61 “You ruffian of questionable lineage, the old man in the Cadillac shouted, you won't gull-cully me ”

Says:

“You ruffian of questionable lineage, the old man in the Cadillac shouted, you won't gull-cully me ”

“Gull-cully? What do you mean--” but before he could finish he was dead.

The man in the Cadillac let out maniacal laughter as he peeled out down the street. And he was never seen again.

60 "Oh, right, gravity," he said, peeling her from the road.

Says:

"Oh, right, gravity," he said, peeling her from the road.

She giggled as her arms began to re-inflate. It was a high pitched airy giggle, that cut through the air around her. Her voice began to return to its normal pitch as the rest of her body returned to its regular size.

“Thanks,” she said as her giggling subsided.

“Anytime, babe. Anytime.”

“You know what though? As fun as that was, I want to go back to the last one. The planet with the spongy surface. You remember dear?”

“Of course. And you know what sweetheart?” he said with a grin, “I love being an immortal who travels planet to planet only to fall all the way through its atmosphere and land on its crust. The joys of being rich.”

59 “Well pillage my village,” she said in a lusty pirate tone.

Says:

“Well pillage my village,” she said in a lusty pirate tone.

“You aren’t coming,” said the man in a red hat. He was carrying his keyboard and mouse through the door as she caught his arm and tugged it.

“Please matey You know how I loves the pirating,” she said with a seductive grin on her face.

“Dear, it’s not what you think. It’s downloading things illegally. It’s not boats and peg legs,” he said rolling his eyes.

“I just want to be involved in what you’re doing. You never take me anywhere. I don’t care where, even if it is just with your friends and your computer,” she said dropping the accent, “You’re always going out with them, and leaving me home alone. I was just trying to make you happy.”

His frustrated glare slowly turned to a smile as he pulled her close into a hug. “You can come,” he sighed, “you might be bored though.”

“Aye aye captain ” she said with a wink.

58 “He was still ten years old.”

Says:

“He was still ten years old.” The man’s smile faded as he realized what he had just said. It was true, and he hated himself for it.

“Maybe I pushed him too hard. Maybe my expectations were too high,” the man continued. His eyes moistened and began to form tears, but he held them back.

“I just wanted him to be everything that he could be.”

He shifted awkwardly in his chair and was silent. Eventually the tears dried and he just sat. The smile eventually creeped back onto his face and he began again, “I loved my boy. Best thing that ever happened to me. If only he hadn’t died. He was still ten years old.”

As he repeated the same things over and over he only made it worse. He lived in the past and he didn’t change. His life was the same thing over and over. A record skipping back through the same section of a song.

57 "Carrots," he murmured, karate-chopping the table.

Says:

"Carrots," he murmured, karate-chopping the table.

He never really had enjoyed having knives for hands, but at least it was bringing in a decent living. Being the head chef in the most expensive restaurant in all of New York wasn’t all bad.

It was just the carrots. He hated carrots. There were two things that he had always hated ever since that fateful day and those were Nazis and of course, carrots.

He hated their color. He hated their smell, their taste, their texture. He just couldn’t stand it. He finished with the carrots he was chopping with his knive-hands and scooped them into the pot.

“Order for carrots a la mode,” came a cry through the door.

A fire filled the knive-handed man’s eyes and he let out a cry. It was that night that he decided not to karate chop carrots with his sharp metallic vestiges. He decided to karate chop humans.

56 It was at that point his head exploded.

Says:

It was at that point his head exploded. It wasn’t like he had expected it or wanted it to happen, but it happened nonetheless. And such is fate.

His name was Ronnie and he was a mild mannered college student. He was a normal boy, with normal problems. He had just been walking to class one day when it happened. For no reason in the slightest. At first he would complain about it, asking ‘why me?’ and ‘why now?’ He cried at night not knowing how he would make it through the next day.

It was on the fourteenth day of October that he deciding to change things for himself. Ronnie was a bigger man than all this whining and he decided to press on. He began to be more outgoing and making more of an effort to have more friends. By the end of the month he was not only invited to all the hip Halloween parties, but he definitely had the best costume.

The moral of this fine tale is thus: don’t complain about your life, because you probably don’t have it as bad as Ronnie. So stop whining all you emo sissies.

55 Marie says: lol wur r u wearing rite no?

Says:

Marie says:
lol wur r u wearing rite no?

Frankie J says:
What the hell? Who is this?

Marie says:
omg! dn’t u no?

Frankie J says:
I apologize, but off the top of my head I don’t know any autistic chimpanzees who have access to the internet.

Marie says:
lol

Frankie J says:
Seriously though, why are you talking to me?

Frankie J says:

Scratch that. Why are you trying to communicate with me?

Marie says:
I’m going to kill you in seven days.

Frankie J has signed off

Marie says:
?

Marie has signed off

Why do I even try thought Frankie as he powered off the monitor. The internet just isn’t the place to meet women. It’s just so frustrating. It’s just full of freaks and weirdoes trying to get their kicks.

And with that Frankie grabbed three gerbils off of the counter, as well as a rubber ducky and a paint can and headed off to the closet.